PART 2:
“I know an old barn we can knock down…”
“It’s sort of almost down now…”
Bob is driving, I’m at my house painting words on old barn wood…Christmas is around the corner or I would pretty much have ignored what he just said.
Me: “Have you ever knocked an almost down barn all the way down before.”
Bob: “Um, no.”
Me: “Have you ever been IN a barn either a barn all up or all down before.”
Bob: “Possibly.”
Most of all the things I’ve either gotten stitches over, gotten almost fired over, gotten not served any more scotch over…all began with the word. “Possibly.”
Here’s the problem, I do need wood, barn wood, I know it and “possibly” worse, Bob knows it.
Me: “Where is it, the almost down barn.”
Bob: “It’ll be a great road trip, only 180 or so miles there and a 180 miles back with a possible (possible counts too as a problem in waiting) stop in Albany, NY.”
Bob: “You still there.”
Me: “Possibly.”
I am a columnist on Bassmaster-dot-com, I write about fishing, I don’t actually fish, or, when I’m somehow talked into fishing and I somehow manage to catch the dumbest fish in the lake I have to have someone, usually my wife or “fishing” buddy Mac, take it off the hook for me because I don’t like touching fish.
I’m also technically “an outdoor writer” but that only really means I take notes outside because I really prefer the inside to the outside, every column I write I do so sitting indoors, I don’t like the outdoors where most “almost fallen down barns,” live.
But…I need wood.
Any “outdoor writer” I know who needs wood goes outside to get it.
Bob: “We could load up your tank, possibly a bunch of wood to be had.”
There’s that word again.
'“The Tank”
Ok, so being an “outdoor writer” with the possibility (yep that counts as trouble too) that some day I may actually “go off road” I figure if I go “off the road,” (which up until now has been mainly grass parking lots for outdoor concerts and little league games) I’m going to do it with 8-speaker sound and enough of all those different kind of “drives” to get off the off road and back on the road, road in great a/c because I’m also allergic to pollen and “grasses” which seems to encompass all the “off-road” stuff I saw pictures of in the Toyota dealership.
Bob: “How many miles to the gallon do you get, you know for our Road Trip.”
Me: “15 mpg if I pay for it, 12 mpg if you pay for it.” I always get to places quicker when someone else pays the gas bill.
Bob: “Oh.”
There’s silence, I let it be.
Bob: “So.”
“So,” is another word that has not been friendly to me, “so” almost got me a unicorn tattoo across my chest when I was 19 with the name “Lolita” in a flowing banner over the horse…
Me: “I’ll call you.”
“Um…Don…um”
Okay, okay, so I agree to go on a Road Trip to knock down an almost knocked down barn and to be a nice guy I get my cuz in Buffalo, Mike Sisti, who may be the only cuz i know of who works inside the outside, so I fb msg him saying the only thing I don’t like more than being in the out-of-the-inside is while out there getting a sliver, or otherwise massive injury to my typing hands, or at least the 4 fingers of my two hands that I type with and make money.
Mike: I’m paraphrasing his fb msg because I can’t find it anymore “You need what.”
Me: ‘Sliver proof gloves for my typing hands.”
Mike: “Why”
Me: “Me and Bob Ley, who used to be with ESPN but now is just with me on Saturday, we are going to go tear down a barn that’s almost teared down so I can get barn wood to write stuff on so I can sell it so we will have extra Christmas money, or I can buy an iMac.”
Mike is taking his time to reply to that fb msg of mine.
Mike: “I’ll send you some that we use all the time outside.”
Me: “Perfect I’l be outside using them.”
Mike being a good cuz doesn’t comment on the fact that most falling down barns that you are going to make fall down more are usually, outside.
Back to…
“So Don I got the gloves you sent me and, um…”
Slight technicality, (scroll back up and look at the gloves from my cuz shot again…closely) normal for an inside the outside kind of guy, seems I actually got the gloves my cuz Mike sent and then gave them to Bob who seemingly doesn’t have TWO RIGHT HANDS even though I was nice enough to send him two right hand gloves.
Told you I don’t like the outside, not even the stuff you wear in it while out there past the doors.
Did I mention I hate slivers…
So since I’m the only one between the two of us who has actually been an “Outdoor Writer,” who actually on occasions went “Outdoors” I figure I’m the expert on all the bad things that can happen to you inside the outside so I always carry a very minimal amount of first aid stuff that will save your life or get you to stop crying sooner.
And…
Several pairs of rights and lefts sliver proof gloves from a cuz who works outside and who has never told me he has gotten a sliver. I also packed my snow-blowing gloves that I wear while I watch our neighbor, Jack, snow blow our driveway, and a Parka I wear when I get the mail along with boots I found in the bottom of the junk closet we don’t use here at home.
Who knew.
Came this txt Friday night at 9:53PM from Bob:
“I’ll meet you at your house tomorrow at 6:30AM..this is going to be a blast.”
Or, not.
